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SORRY, APOLOGY DENIED

Three Reasons Why Your Apology Was Not Accepted

You rehearse the apology in your head. You swallow your pride. You humble yourself. You say the two excruciating words:

"I'm sorry."

And they don't accept it. Excuse me???Do you know what it took for me to bring myself to say that?

The temptation at this point is to conclude that you've done your part. You apologised. They're clearly just committed to being angry with you until further notice.

But before we put them in the unforgiving-people section sweetie, can we inspect the apology first? Because sometimes the problem isn't that the other person refuses to accept an apology.

Sometimes the apology just wasn't good enough to be accepted to begin with.

Here are three reasons why your apology probably wasn't accepted sweetie. There's more but I'm just sticking with three for now because you are busy and important, so how dare I keep you long.

1. Your apology came with a defence attorney

You know this one sweetie.

"I'm sorry, but you also..."

"I'm sorry, but I only did that because you..."

And just like that, the apology has become a court case. You're presenting evidence and establishing mitigating circumstances.

And I understand why we do this. It's uncomfortable to sit there and admit that you were wrong without immediately explaining yourself. Especially when you genuinely believe there is another side to the story.

But there can be another side to the story and you can still have something to apologise for. Those two things can exist at the same time.

Sometimes the other person isn't looking for your explanation yet. They just need to know that you understand what you did.

2. You apologised for their feelings instead of your actions

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I'm sorry you got offended."

Those sentences sound suspiciously like:

I'm sorry you had that reaction to my perfectly reasonable behaviour.

Compare that with:

"I'm sorry I spoke to you like that."

"I'm sorry I embarrassed you."

That's different. You're no longer apologising for how they responded. You're taking responsibility for what you did.

And sometimes that's all somebody has been waiting to hear.

3. Now that I've apologised, can things go back to normal already?

This one is hard.

Because once you've apologised, there's this tiny part of you that wants the other person to say:

"It's okay."

And then everybody hugs, the music starts playing and we roll the credits.

Unfortunately, human beings are terribly inconvenient. Sometimes they're still hurt and need time.

An apology isn't a transaction sweetie.

Your job is to apologise sincerely. What they do with that apology belongs to them.

Maybe you need to write it.

Here's the thing sweetie;

difficult apologies have a funny way of going completely off script when we say them out loud.

You planned to take accountability. Then you got nervous. They interrupted, then naturally you became defensive.

She brought up something that happened in 2017. Now everything is a hot mess.

Sometimes writing helps because it makes you slow down.

You can sit with your words before handing them to somebody else.

You can notice the excuses. Cross out the but. Say what you actually did. Acknowledge what it may have cost them.

That's why I created these beautifully decorated apology prompt papers. Not because pretty paper magically gets your apology accepted. It doesn't.

But sometimes something this important deserves attention, care and effort. That's what an unhurried apology written on a beautiful paper gives.

You can explore them in the shop page, just pick the one that fits your style or most preferably the one that fits the style of the person you want to apologise to.

So if there's an apology sitting somewhere in your chest that you've been struggling to say properly, maybe don't say it this time.

Write it.

And maybe, just maybe, it might get accepted. I'm cheering you on sweetie!